The Rainbow of Emotions
by SkYdAnCeRSuGarDaLexoxoxo
Summary: When dozens of personalities are stranded together, it is inevitable that some will clash...and some will fall in love. Various parings. COMPLETE AND FABULOUS
1. Ubiquity

Fan Fiction: The Rainbow of Emotions

Chapter One: Ubiquity

Disclaimer: I am not the legal owner of any of the characters.

NOTE: I have returned to my true calling of the pen and paper after a long, long journey backpacking through South America. I have learned many a new technique I hope you will find to your satisfaction.

Desmond wept uncontrollably.

"Dude, what is the matter, man?" Hurley harshly questioned.

"_Hermano_, I just had a vision of the death of another one of our pals. For this time, it is dear Bernard who will be struck by that damnable lightning. Bugger," Desmond wailed.

Bernard ate some Polly-O string cheese. So unsuspecting of the cruel and unfortunate fate that fate beheld for him.

Kate ran!

"EVERYONE! OH NO! I THINK SAWYER IS AN OTHER!" Kate screamed. She was wearing leather pants, but nobody found it odd.

"Why would you think such a thought?" Sayid asked, scratching his cornrows.

Kate then swooned!

_Flashback_

_Juliet made pancakes for Jack. Jack loved pancakes. _

_Then, Juliet met her _padre_. His name was…_

_Wait for it_

_Christian. She did not find that unusual, because many men had that name._

_But then,_

_She found out his last name, which was Shepard. That didn't seem to be an oddity, either, for at that time Jack was under the fake name of Willard Wilson, because he was on the run from the law after killing his step father. He killed his step father because he was beatin' his mama. But his mama didn't want step-papa to die!_

_Oh my!_


	2. Petroleum Lovin

**The Rainbow of Emotions**

**Chapter 2: Petroleum Loving**

**Disclaimer: The only character I own is Locke, who is chained to the furnace in my basement. Other than that, none.**

Jin looked around ubiquitously. He so wished his bitch ass wife would make him pancakes like Juliet made Jack pancakes. He sighed and watched the trees, oh how_ bonita_ they were.

SUDDENLY, DEADLY PSYCHIC LIGHTNING STRUCK THE POLLY-O STRING CHEESE FROM CLAIRE'S UNSUSPECTING HAND!!!! WHICH THEN FELL!!! OFF!!!

Claire howled in what could be construed as either painful anguish or sexual pleasure.

!#&$(&()&

Meanwhile,

!(&(&!)(&&

During that,

Niki and Paolo stared doggedly at each other. Then Niki ripped the knife that she had just jettisoned into Paolo's face out. And yet, there was no blood!

As they rolled out of bed, Hurley asked Kate what her "Thug Life" tattoo meant.

_Flashback_

_Ben awoke to find that his lice had enjoyed a night of eating his scalp. He applied WHAT HE THOUGHT was the appropriate ointment. Kate remained asleep. Ben stroked her tattoo of a naked woman holding a gun. He in no way thought it was weird. _

_Well, maybe a little. _

Aaron, son of the fairheaded Claire and the raven-tressed Ethan, climbed nervously out of the tent, stroked his sidecurls and pondered, "Where O Where has my life gone?


	3. Why do my loins feel this way?

**Fan Fiction: The Rainbow of Emotions**

**The Third Part: Why Do My Loins Feel This Way?**

**Note: Are you not astounded at how you could foresee this all occurring on your television??**

Kate watched as Sun bled copious amounts of blood. "She deserved it!" Kate howled as she held up the bloody dagger that she used to murder Sun. The dagger was magical!

Michael rubbed his stomach, which was in pain from the liquid Desmond fed him.

"What did you drink that brought about this ache?" The doctor Jackobus Shepard asked

"I do not know, but it had a snake at the bottom," Michael obsequiously replied.

Claire dressed in all black to mourn the loss of Sun, whom Kate and Hurley had murdered after conspiring to do so for many months. It was all for the better because Sun was kind of a whore, always sleeping with

Boone!

Claire made her loquacious eulogy in her broken English. Nobody could really understand her through her tears and thick Russian brogue, but the emotions were clearly present. Clearly

Ben rubbed himself inappropriately and then wept.

"Mr. EKO! YOU HAVE RETURNED FROM AFRICA!" Sawyer cheered wildly when he saw Mr. Eko!

Jack looked up dramatically. He tore his shirt off and then ran to Mr. Eko, his long, sun bleached tresses flowing and sparkling in the sun. Oh how scintillating!

Ellihue Eko had returned. But he was not the man Jack once knew…

He was wounded…

He was distraught…

He had the telling odor of Mr. Kluck's Chicken…

To Continue Onward….. to the stars and beyond….


	4. The Piggy Bank's empty, so lets

**Fan Fiction: The Rainbow of Emotions**

**Chapter 4: The Piggy Bank's Empty, So Let's **

**Disclaimer:**

Karl sat garrulously at Rose's grave. The two had been lovers for hours until Rose's weakened gall bladder finally threw in the towel. Mikhail approached him obsequiously, and embraced Karl tenderly.

Claire ran up to him, frantic and lachrymose, screaming in her native tongue, Icelandic.

"JAHFIUGFJHGKDFJGF #$&#&$&#$& JKHDFKGSJKDSHJH!!!!!!!!"

Walt and Shannon dined over a romantic meal of Dharma White Castle. Shannon stroked Walt's face luxuriously.

Meanwhile,

Mr. Eko, known to some as SEX-E, ran along the beach in clumsy strides, alongside his one and only, THE one and only. Sayid. They ran from the others-(They ran toward the Dharma Jacuzzi).

_Flashback_

_Mr. Eko recalled how much he used to love Uncle Ben's rice. _

_Flashback_

_Mr. Eko recalled how much he used to love Uncle Ben's rice._

However, Sun suddenly rose from the dead! Or maybe she had been buried alive! Who nose!

Bernard, who's one hell of a guy if I do say so myself, punched Kate. Kate's nose bled for a long, long, long, long, time. About 4 minutes. Then, Jackobus, known to few as Shep, came to the rescue! "Here's a tissue." He said in meaty tones, and walked away.

&(#&$#786!&!((!&1Z#$67y38yhjbdfui

During that process,

Walt and Juliet's Dharma Pad Thai had congealed. So they reconciled to swinging from tree to tree on vines. It was such a dreamy


	5. Tis better to have loved and lost

**Fan Fiction: The Rainbow of Emotions**

**Chapter Five: '**_**Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have had Mountain Dew.**_

**Disclaimer: Locke and me get along so well. That's right. Yeah. You know it. **

Enter the ravishing Locke. Locke seemed a little evil, but we can all ignore that I think.

Sawyer kept writing down everything everybody did, which was certainly not good. His face dripped with the drippings of an other.

"You are not the man I fell in love with," she whispered harshly at Sawyer.

Sawyer gave her a spankering because woman should not be speaking to her man like that.

Rose ran off crying into the caves.

She ran and ran, until she met an earthly critter, a polar bear! She pet the bear on the face and then it bit her face off but it really wasn't that big of a deal, though, Jack just sewed it back on- I mean, it was hard for him to sew it back on because he only had one arm after Juliet took the left one for "fertility tests" but Jack didn't really mind all the much because he said it made more of a challenge to get the ladies, and he liked challenges because they challenged him. Rose was such a drama queen, anyways. Oy vey.

Jin moaned with sickness. John Locke whispered in Jin's ear, "I am secretly a doctor. I'm DharmaOther Certified. I can show you the online certificate. It's in an email, but I can't print it. Something to do with the printers being from the 1980," While Locke pontificated, Jin keeled.

Bah.

Alex then said something, but nobody was listening, for nobody cares. She then began to cry.

Roussau held her arms wide open, "mommy is here" she said

Alex said sonorously, "Who the hell are you?"

_Flashback time:_

_Charley shaved his legs like a delicate flower. He was preparing…but what for?_

_Claire and Jack played ping pong in the background, because that's what fathers do with their daughters._

_Charlee then did some meth. Trippy!_

_Then, charleigh began to weep the weep of a thousand and one tears._

What comes next? Stay tuned!


	6. Darn it all! The Dharma InkJet Printer

**Fan Fiction: The Rainbow of Emotions**

**Chapter 6: Darn it all! The Dharma InkJet Printer Has Jammed Once More!**

**Disclaimer: Ohhhh Lockkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee**

Curses!!! Doctor Benjamin, Ph.D. M.D. D.D.S. called out. His former flame, a Mz. Sun, had once again beaten his sorry ass in backgammon! Seriously, can anybody on this godforsaken island play games?

Meanwhile, the Indonesian beauty Claire and her full bearded bedfellow John Locke tumbled about in the throes of passion when suddenly, Jin rampaged in angrily in a furious, angry rageful rage. "HOW DARE YOU SLEEP WITH MY FATHER?" HE bellowed. Claire shrugged her dark skinned shoulders and dodged away,

Paolo flushed the toilet. Yup. Still Works, Even Though I'm Hiding Diamonds In It. What A Piece of Work!!

Rose's white eyes congealed in delight! Hooray!! Her wonderful manservant, Jack, had just brought her a coconut to rub on her face! Oh, she had longed for one so. Now, if only she could get her hands on some Mountain Dew….

_Flashback_

Sawyer moved around his spacious Dharma Island Mansion despondently, and then decided he would play a game with Julian, Juliet's sister's freak baby. He had four eyes and no arms. But otherwise, he was a beautiful, beautiful boy.

They played tic tac

All of the sudden, a hurricane hit the island. As an enormous portion of the beach that coincidentally none of the islanders happened to be on in happenstance, Charlie named the raging brewing tornado Helen. Where had he heard that name before? Suddenly, someone touched his shoulder. Before he turned to face this grimy sneaker upper, he heard "Dad?"


	7. Fraiser the board game

**Fan Fic: The Rainbow of Emotions**

**Chapter se7en: If I were a board game I would be Frasier the Board Game. **

**Note: the '7' replaces the 'v' in the word seven above for no apparent reason.**

**P.S.:. I would like to dedicate this to a dear old friend, Miss Bacon (101), daughter of a certain Mama who loved to be eatin' pie.**

Ana LuCiA made her triumphant return only to die after eating some dog food. What was it with her and dog food?? And why was the dog food so poisonous? (ask the FDA, maybe they'll know)

Sayid Sanders, Sayid's brother, then asked kate as he slept beside her in a sleeping bag under the Australian stars, "if you could be a crayon, what crayon would you be?" he asked suavatiously, which is like two steps above suave.

"Black, like my soul. Or Laser Lemon, like my foot," she responed.

Eric Hurley, who was Hurley's brother, and Sayid Sanders, or ssss as he was refered to (just make like a sss sound, like 'hiss' without the 'hi'), arrived together yesterweek.

But anyways, back to that tornado Helen!

Whoa what a lady she was!

Loocke still incubated feelings for Helen, so when he heard she had returned, he raced out to read to her the poem he had written her that went a little something like:

_I want to feel your hair,_

_All over there,_

_Blue Bicycle,_

_Red Tricycle,_

_Our hearts as two,_

_Beat as one when u wear that shoe,_

_My father's real name was Ling Choo,_

_Because he was from China. _

Kate scurrilously married Jack while Jack was passed out after playing flip cup with walt. Damn that kid could hold his pina coladas.


	8. Planes, Trains, Emus and Candy

**FanFiction: The Rainbow of Emotions**

**Chapter 8: Planes, Trains, Emus, and Candy.**

**Disclaimer: I'm sorry, I can't disclaim anything right now, I'm having mind blowing sex with John Locke. **

Walt, now 17 strawberry daquiris deep, was STILL beating Jack at "Never Have I Ever." This kid needs a 12-step program. Jack stumbled and suddenly broke into song! He belted out "My Guy" by Mary Wells and slung his arm locquaciously around his secret friend-with-sexual-benefits, Alex.

SUDDENLY, or maybe not quite so suddenly, perhaps even slowly, or sloth-like, rousseau, the island's resident dominatrix, approached hurley and licked his face, which was covered in bar-b-q sauce. How scrumptious!

Meanwhile,

Charlie, Ana Lucia, and Karl were all enjoying a rambunctious night of watching the Lord of The Rings trilogy, courtesy of Dharma DVD and Co ®©π. Suddenly, Karl and Ana Lucia decided they would try on some ice skates and attempt the OBSEQUIOUS IRON LOTUS. But it was too late, because Karl's head had already fallen off, even before they tried the trick. Charlie had bludgeoned him with a heroin filled Virgin Mary.

Kate emerged, wearing only jeans, boots, a turtleneck, a North Face Vest, a hat, goggles, a snorkel, and leg warmers. That slut! Aaron, the red headed offspring of the scary Romanian lady Claire and the dulcet-toned Desmond, shed a single tear when he witnessed the loss of Kaightlynne's virtue. All, surely, was gone, for, ever.

Jin ate some guavas.

At the same time, Bernard, wearing a ravishing tunic, looked longingly at Hurley. He was attracting everyone today!!

_Flashback_

_Jack played football with his buddies. _

_TBC_


End file.
